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created over 2 years ago | Tagged: entertainment, technology, safety, security, prevention, google maps, guide, survival, locations, zombie,

D Salgado

Thank goodness we have this Map of the Dead: Zombie Survival Map that shows me the locations of the bare apocalypse essentials like military academies, convenience stores, and cemeteries. I think it was a promotional Google Maps augmentation back in the day, you know, before zombie Sergey Brin announced that merger with zombie Tim Cook and ate Mark Zuckerberg. Larry Page could only look on, his hermetically sealed skin preventing the flow of tears down his glossy cheeks. None of us in the media understood Google’s acquisition of that Japanese Saran Wrap competitor until it was too late, well, too late for everyone but Page. (Rumor has it, Microsoft’s R&D division had developed the Zombie Seal™ technology two decades earlier, but nobody ever bothered bringing it to market.)

Not that any of it matters now anyway. My 401k tanked, as it wasn’t invested nearly enough in Cold War era technologies. And a half-eaten box of Suzy Qs can buy you just about any startup in the Valley, even Instagram.




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